Thursday, December 11, 2014

4 years



Dear Carrisa,

4 years now....
I'm hoping that closes that gap on when we will see each other next, because it seems a little to far from our last visit, don't you think?

 It's December 11th, your heaven day.   Sometimes this day feels like the only day where I really get to sit down and think of you and mourn you.... yes although you are fully healed and with Jesus, you are greatly missed here, incredibly so.

And as much as I would like to say that my day has been extraordinary or special or different or somehow profound, it has not.

I planned on waking the kids up early to take them to get donuts and balloons, you know to celebrate you!  I envisioned happy sequels and reminiscing of you, but it went something like this

At 12:15 am, Norah's blood glucose monitor goes off, saying her blood sugar is low, and no it is not a false alarm, she needed some sugar, quickly.

Maya wakes up with a bad dream, sobbing about having to leave her cousins house.

Morning comes and I forgot to move "Christmas tree" our elf  from the previous day, devastating!
Norah starts crying because she could not have her advent treat until the afternoon.

After going to the donut shop we went to get your balloons, but the floral department wasn't open, so the produce man had to help us get balloons, taking about 5 hours to blow each one up.  We are already seriously late for school, Sarah lets go of her balloon in the store, Levi is crying because he wants a balloon, Norah mysteriously cuts her head and needs a band-aide instantly and I can't get my camera to work to capture this awesome memory.

We get to our field to release your balloons and Sarah won't get out of the car because she wants to watch Elmo, Norah lets go of her balloon accidentally,  and Levi is headed toward the street. 
I'm feeling pretty good right now, you know everything is going awesome.

I somehow capture a photo
DSC_0616 DSC_0631 and then we send you your balloons, but cannot watch them go into the sky because it was so bloody bright outside

I still have to get the girls to school and Sarah is balling about not watching Elmo.  The crying continues into the school building, echoing through the halls and now I am 20 minutes late for my Dr. Appointment.

yep, it's Decemeber 11th and I hope you're laughing

because as much as this is not what I planned for my day, it is what God had in mind.

It's kind of like my life...not quite what I planned

Sis, sometimes I want things in life to be easy, I keep waiting for easy and waiting and waiting.....
But easy, is not what God has planned for me.
You know how when Dad and Darren died, people would say, " God won't give you more than you can handle"?  But the truth is, He does, He does give us more than we can handle so that we lean on Him.   And this year, once again has brought on incredible hardship, every single day is hard keeping Norah alive, balancing life, love, family and what is eternal, and every single day I have had to rely on Him.

 and then something else unplanned happened, well I'm sure you knew about it!

a knock at the door, a gift, a gift filled with love, the love from a body of believers. Tears were overflowing.  The Lord knew exactly what I needed.
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It has been a long time since I have felt love from a body of believers, not just a member, but an entire body!


Carissa, I miss you everyday.  Even on the ones I don't have time to fully grieve.  I missed being able to call you to tell you that Brett passed his final CPA exam, and that I had been deeply hurt by a friend.   Or that Levi can zoombie walk now and that little Sarah told Brett " you don't have a heart."  And the Maya has already been to the orthodontist, shocker, I know, with our family history of teeth! It's the life moments.  And it is Norah.  So much Norah.  I can't wait for the two of you to meet again, both fully healed.

Love you sis,
Jenni



Wednesday, December 3, 2014

Life and photos



Sometimes life and photos intertwine

You know, that day.... the one that just isn't quite right

when your phone breaks, your sunglasses snap

and computer dies

and then

you fall into the freezing cold pool unexpectedly
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or when you wear the wrong shoes with your outfit
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and you just feel totally grumpy
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and you run screaming at your mom telling her not to take a picture
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or an alien arm, just seems to get in your way DSC_0276

there are just some days where the photo, life just doesn't turn out right....
Maybe your eyes just aren't open enough
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and the sunshine isn't coming the right direction DSC_0331


But then in the midst of all the mess ups, there is something beautiful
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 that moment when the sun seems to hit in just the right direction
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and you are surrounded by love thanksgiving13

 and laughter
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when smiles fill your heart thanksgiving15\

and buddy the tiny elf comes to visit you
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there are those moments in life that capture something so special thanksgiving8

something worth keeping thanksgiving14

even if at first it doesn't come out quite right
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you will always have another day, chance
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and then it's easy to laugh about all the not so great things that happened before thanksgiving4


Remember, if you are having a bad day, there is always something good hidden in it.  Even if you can't see it right away.

Sunday, November 16, 2014

The end of a season




It's so strange, this time is coming to an end

Of Brett studying of Brett being in school of Brett being gone ALL THE TIME.

He takes his final CPA exam tomorrow (as long as he passes)! Tomorrow people,  I will see my husband again, the kids their father.  I'm not even sure what we are going to do about it..... I mean it's been 4 years, 4 years, almost the entire time we have had kids, sheesh

I have had to manage, adjust, make due, get bye, survive.....just be

No more throwing the kids in the car at 6 to go bring Brett his now cold dinner

No more washing the dishes, stirring the noodles,  wiping a booty and packing lunches all at the same time  (well...... actually there will probably still be some of that)

Messes like this may not feel quite as daunting
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and this girl especially, she needs some good daddy time

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No more doing so much on my own

but more time, together!

I'm excited for the the new adjustments to come
For me having to re-adjust to life with my husband on a regular basis
although it may be strange at first, I certainly welcome this change!

Time with the man I love!
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Time with our family
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And.....We leave for Houston later this week (eekk so excited!!!)

It will be so good for our family to spend this time together, with family

I have soo much to do, so much to prepare for, especially when it comes to packing for Norah

So anyone want to come detail our dirty mini van or sort through Norahs diabetic supplies?  haha, probably no one is going to jump on that awesome offer.

So I better get going,  so much to do!

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

He is God



It's been hard for me to look at photos of Norah

Hard to look at photos before her diabetes diagnosis and see my happy, fully healthy girl and remember those days.... when life wasn't consumed by finger pokes, test strips, pump injections and the constant worry of life or death in the back of my mind.
I can see her health!
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It's even harder to see photos of her when she was sick and I didnt' realize it yet.  It actually horrifies me....how could I not have known?!?!   Little Norah must have just felt so terrible on the inside.  I just get a huge pit in my stomach and want to wipe it all away.
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I have never known this type of grieving process~the loss of a healthy child, one that so many parents have experienced, one that I did not know how deeply it would affect me, and change me.

I look back and can see the affects of diabetes in Norah's life in Decemeber of 2013, I just see it in the photos, I can see the weight loss, I see something different... she was not well.

I didn't know it at the time, but she was also loosing hair, one of the many affects of high blood sugar

Her hair is growing back in a now

a whole new layer

and it's reminds me of just how sick she was and that I didn't know

Somedays I don't know how I will ever forgive myself, or if the pain of seeing those pictures will  go away, or if when I mess up treating Norah's blood sugar how the Lord will make up for all the damage I feel I am doing to her body.  All I know is that the Lords Grace is sufficient and He guides me each day.  He forgave me a long time ago when He hung on that cross and died.  and although I have messed up over and over He can overcome my mistakes,

He is God after all

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Thursday, October 30, 2014

A farmers life for me




If I'm being honest I would like to live on a farm.  Well kind of.
I want my kids to be able to wander around outside and explore, play with chickens, and
Sit under that perfect big tree that seems to be at everyone's farm house

But I don't really want any of the work that comes from having a farm
And I don't like flies, animals and stinky things, which seem to come with having a farm

And I definitely need target and Costco within 10 miles of my said farm....
and while I'm throwing out my farm visions lets just add that on my farm NeedtoBreathe would be playing their banjos in the background, while we eat at a picnic table and frolic in the grass.

Can't you just picture it? Delightful!
And if you can remember we even had a barn/farm for Sarah's first birthday

So since we are probably not ever going to live on an un-stinky, work free, close to Target Farm, I might as well take my kids to one any chance we get, right!  And this is one reason, yet again I love fall, it brings on all the farms.   (So if you have a farm, feel free to invite us over :O) )

So this year it was Wishing star farm.  First trip around was a birthday party (brilliant idea)  Just Norah and I got to go to and it was super fun!
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must of been a good corn bin
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Next trip to the farm I gave Maya a mental health day at school and took her Sarah and Levi to wishing star farm

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nasty corn kernal in a cute dimple cheek mouth
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these two, so sweet held hands most of the time
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yee Haw!